Blank

empty


void

hollow

Say nothing at all

Mom always says if you cant say nothing nice don't say anything at all.

Its so easy now days to offer plastic apologies and plastic sympathy. What happened to the day when an I'm sorry truly meant something. Now days I'm sorry is getting as empty as a dogs bowl after he he gorged himself.

You get the same result one way or another a mess to clean up.

I try to live by the golden rule do unto others as ye would have them do unto you,but man some days i want to sock them in the damn eye. Quit being so gracious doing unto me and help someone else for a change.

Bit cynical you say probably true but you know sometimes the lemons used to make lemonade are rotten to begin with and its best to drink the Kool-aid least there you are almost always guaranteed a sugar rush.

Mary's moody, you say , yeah I probably am and hell I may even be a bit hateful, but the fact is I am me you knew what you what you were getting when you crossed that threshold, I am not going to sugar coat it and I am not going to hold your hand and give you fake platitudes.

So if you feel the need to not have something nice to say, please don't be encouraged to come sit by me.

Dreams

It is often said that dreams are desires waiting to be acted upon.

Does a dream foretell the future, does it change the past, can it alter the current?

Dreams are the simply the minds way of clearing out unconscious thoughts, needs and yearnings.

I am a sleep dreamer, I can usually remember my dreams as they are more than likely the event I wanted to occur, a fantasy I wanted to act upon and need to be wild free and spontaneous.

Occasionally old demons return and invade the perfection of what is wanted to remind me that the past is always a part of my future and the future depends on my past. I cant change alter or deviate from the course and must play the dream out or peace is not forth coming.

I am also a person who hears with her heart when dreaming and have on several occasions heard the past needing to talk to the future, whether to pass on a greeting or remembrance or a warning or just a moment of extreme pride.

Dreams can not hurt you, they are not meant to hurt you, they are meant to teach you, to give you clearance and to give even hope.

Do we shut out our dreams because we are afraid to face our truths and in fact yes we do, I know I have physically altered my sleep pattern to avoid confrontation that was there waiting for me, did I escape the inevitable? NO

The truth is we are meant to face our realities, whether in physical form or in fantasy realm, but like fate and Karma what is meant to be will be.

God does not give us more than we can bear and in that we must remember to dream away the past embrace the now and anticipate the future.

Do not fear the dream, embrace it learn from and realize that in the end you do wake up and in the waking you will have a greater understanding of you.

Trust

Trust is an amazing thing, it is the one constant in any relationship. Without trust in your life what is really there.

I have learned trust is an enemy and it is a friend, it can break your heart and it can make your heart sing, it can take you to new heights and it can destroy the very foundation of your world.

Today talking to Bear he reminded me that although I have been betrayed by trust in the past he was not going anywhere. In my state of not trusting I was developing panic attacks over my friends not being online when I got on and although in my mind I knew they are near by my heart was feeling lost and abandoned. And although an irrational fear a fear just the same.

Trust is hard for me and an issue I struggle with daily. A lot of times I have to be told to get my head out of my ass and stop thinking everyone is going to hurt me.

I work daily to improve this issue and the thought of believing and truly turning my faith over to another human being is so monumental to me it takes my breath away. Each day with the love I have been given and the love shown to me daily, I am growing and learning that not everyone is the same and that when promised to always be there they truly are.

Grow strong with me as the best is yet to be.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice the definition of sacrifice is "is commonly known as the practice of offering food, objects (typically valuables), or the lives of animals or people to the gods as an act of propitiation or worship. The term is also used metaphorically to describe selfless good deeds for others or a short term loss in return for a greater gain, such as in a game of chess. Recently it has also come into use as meaning doing without something or giving something up"

The need for sacrifice is many times seen as an act of chivalry, when in fact sacrifice is the greatest gift of love. To sacrifice your own needs and wants for someone you love is the kindest and most loving thing you can do.

To be so aware of anothers needs you can lay aside your own wants is the greatest gift

I hate Tuesdays

Tuesday is the worst day of the week.

I hate going to work and missing everyone I love to spend time with
I hate coming home to a dark house cause someone is rude

I hate listening to people whine so here I am whining lol

I have a headache and I want to cry

I want a hug

Can you look me in the eye?

Can you tell me why you hurt me?

How was I to blame for you being weak?

How was it my fault you took a cowards route and broke the vows we made together?

How am I any less the person I was when you married me,now because you cheated?


I must have been the worthless one for you to leave me that way, to tell me that it is my fault you were less than a man. You took all my faith all my trust and you shattered it on a rock like I was a piece of used up garbage and not a living creature, you destroyed in one act what had taken me years to rebuild.

You had it so bad being loved and adored and treated like the most important person in my world even to the extent of sacrificing to you the one person who you know meant almost as much to me as you.

You say you love me and I know you believe that but I dont believe you and never will again.

How could you build me up and love me enough to help me through one of the most terrifying ordeals of my life to do in my eyes almost the same thing. You didnt rape me physically, but emotionally you broke my spirit, you destroyed my faith, and you raped me of my trust.

Some days I hate you. I think the love for you died all those years ago.

Can you look me in the eye?

Can you face the woman I am now?

Can you stand it because I am building my esteem back?

Can you face it that I am a good caring loving person?

Can you face it that I am not a nobody I am a survivor?

Can you stand the fact that you were wrong when you said no one would ever care or love me?

I am Mary and I am the woman God wanted me to be and I will never be the above woman again.

God blessed me with a beautiful little boy and I will teach him to treasure and honor and never destroy a woman the way you have. He will learn by my example not by yours.

The day you dread the most

"What does adopted mean?'

Today Dylan and I were a the store and he is kind clingy, so I ask him if he is ok,we pay for our stuff and go outside, and he says "Mommy do you remember the day I was born?"

I said yes I do it was the greatest day of Mommy's life bubby, why?
"He says was I smiling when I was born?" I said no bubby you were quiet mad and not happy to be bothered when you were born. "Well was kinds of toys did I have then?"
I said bubby you had rattles and baby Mickey stuff but you didnt play with them alot

"Mom how come some kids have more than one mommy?" Well I said, some kids have two mommies because families break up and daddies marry another mommy and some kids have two mommies because they are adopted and some kids have two mommies because two mommies love each other like mommies and daddies do.


Mommy am I adopted?

I said What do you think Dylan, and he says "I remember the day I came out of you,"I said wow you can remember that far back? wow that is a good memory. I asked him would it upset you if you were adopted? "No because I have you for my mommy and I like that. "

"He then asks me, what does adopted mean anyway mommy?"
Well adopted means that little boys and girls are born to one woman who for some reason or another cant or wont take care of there babies and they give them to mommies that cant have babies. "Oh"

I said Dylan kids that are adopted are extra special kids because they are chosen kids. God chose those kids to make mommies out of women who can't have babies of their own

He looks at me all serious and says "I am a special kid, I have a mommy who loves me very much and my aunt Dona loves me very much, so that makes me extra special, right" and I said Dylan you are super special buddy.

"How does a kid become adopted Mommy?"

Well when a mommy decides she cant take care of her baby for some reason, she gives that baby to mommies who can, I said Dylan would it make you mad or bother you if you were adopted? "It wont make me mad cause i have you mommy,but it would make me mad to know I was given away."

I said do you want to know anything else and he look sat me and says" no Mommy but I sure am glad I am special"

Lets See

Until recently I was a reasonably normal person unhappy with life
unhappy with dreams unhappy with the very thought of getting up in the mornings.

The biggest joy of my life up to this point is my son Dylan Charles
he is now and always will be my main life priority the joy of being
his mother far out weighs any pain and misery I may ever have to
endure.

Writing this down is harder than I ever thought it would be,
as I still have the fear of being a fool. "Look at that idiot, she
doesn't even have a clue how stupid she looks" kinda of thing.

My life is made up of balances and extremes, balances of friends,family work so forth, extremes to the point of giving to much to to many people and having it slapped in my face so many times.

I have the pleasure of having some very dear friends I have never met but talk to daily,they have become my sisters my friends, my confidants.

A day without them would be like a day without a hug in my eyes.

But there is one special friend who fell outside that mode,and
he knows me so well,almost better than my best friend. He is so unique in the sense without me saying a word he can tell if I am mad,sad,happy or hurt.He knows my heart he knows my soul and he knows my pain.

December was a hard month for my dear friend and my heart
still aches for all the pain he has been through and goes through daily. I dont know if I will ever let him see this and I know one who will say dummy he will like seeing how dear and special he is,but will keep her thoughts to herself, lol


My sweetest friend I treasure you daily, my heart holds so much emotion where you are concerned that sometimes I have to write things down to get the feeling released just to breath.

So don't think me a fool be gentle as you who know me know that i break easily. Know that I cherish my friends almost as much as I do my son and that without you all I would not be who I am now.

Love you guys

A fantasy has begun

Seems fitting somehow to have a fairy tale background to fit the
fairy tail I have fallen into.

How fitting to begin this adventure with Edward and Bella.