One foot at a time

Dona May Wilkinson 4-17-24


Tomorrow will be a better day.
She is always with you.
You will always have the memories.


Little words made in gesture of trying to ease a destroyed child's heart.

No matter your age the death of a parent is one of the hardest things you will ever face. When that parent has been with you non stop for all 46 years of your life, there is a big hole ripped out of your heart and the very core of your being.
Being an adult with a family does not make it easier or hurt less, nor does it make it heal faster.

Tomorrow will be a better day, tell that to the child or grandchild who while sitting quietly at school is so over come with grief he cant eat.

She is always with you, Once the person is gone they are with you in spirit but you never over come that need for the loving touch of the hand or the warmth of her arms or even just the smell of her deodorant or perfume.

You will always have the memories, yes this is very true but memories dont dry your tears or brush off a boo boo or even reassure you when a light is mistakenly turned off at night.

Call me selfish that is ok, but I would rather have my mom here with me than have memories.

I guess this to shall pass and I will heal but the heart will never recover the whole left empty by the passing of this beautiful angel.

I am proud to be the daughter of the worlds Best mother and I will honor her memory and do as she wanted me to and be what she wanted me to be the best mommy in the world as she was.

Mom as you sit there in heaven enjoying the love of the people who went before, your daughter here on earth will always love you and you will be in my heart and soul for eternity.I will make you proud and I will be what you wanted me to be.



Left this world on a dream 11-8-2010

Mommy

Today I lost my best friend, my mother Dona May Wilkinson, left earth on a dream and went home to be with her parents brothers and sisters and grandchildren Cory and Randall.

She leaves behind a lifetime of love given love shared and laughter, tears cried and hearts aching for her hands and arms.


I will never forget you nor will I ever stop grieving for you mommy,You lived a long hard life with lots of lows and lots of high

You survived tuberculous you survived raising 8 kids on your own and you survived the death of two of your grandchildren, while all the while having the time to say Mary its going to be alright we will get through this together.

Growing up you were chef, cab driver, referee, punisher and the person who i turned to every time my heart hurt or was broken. You cried when we cried and you laughed when we laughed.

The day has been along one and I know you rest now. Enjoy your journey on the clouds and never fear the ones here will remember you for ever and that we bond together out of love for you. We will get through and we will endure.


God has his sweetest angel now and I know you and Aunt Hazel are comparing
notes and making notes preparing for the future.


I love you mommy

You are my hero and my light

Happy Halloween

Wow

Time is flying so fast.

Dylan had a good time tonight trick or treating as Thomas the tank engine, and it was so much fun seeing Jeff and him laughing and carrying on together.

It has been a painful month, but a growing month.

I am done with the would have, could have, should haves, and I am done being a doormat to anyone.

This is Mary, take me as I am or go away its that simple. I do not expect anyone to hold my hand and get me through the rough stuff, but I do expect my "friends" to be who they said they are. No longer will I stand by and let my life be run by what should I do to make this person happy.

I expect, no I deserve people to treat me with the same respect and love I give them, and I can count on one seven fingers the ones who do.

So to the other three fingers I say sayonara and when you wake up and say wait where is Mary, it will be to late.


The future is ahead and I am hoping for the light to sign brightly. A new vision of hope and love in my life and a wonderful family with Jeff and Dylan, our miracle child, who teaches me daily that perfection is a dream but a reality if one reaches for it.

Keep reaching for the stars, because although out of reach, worth the fight and the effort to make all our dreams come true.

I will leave with this.

I am not a perfect person, but in a perfect world perfection is the goal I achieve daily,with a happy healthy child and a wonderful husband and seven friends who reach for their perfection daily.

Damn you

You made me cry today.

Not because I have talked to you, but because I saw a stupid Bear.

When is this hold you have over me going to die, how many more ways can i cut your heart out of my heart and destroy everything that reminds me of you.

I have come to the stage of pure hatred where you are concerned and I dont shed a tear because of hating you. Like I should, as I was always taught when doing others right hating is not allowed or an option.

How do I tell my mother that in loving you, you made me hate you with all that is left of my heart. You have destroyed me in every way possible and seeing you rot in hell would not sooth the pain.

I will over come this pain and I will move past you.

You dont deserve my tears my rage or my hatred but they are still all yours.

So enjoy your victory, cause pretty soon it will be your last and you wont have this hold on me any longer.

I will continue to treat others with love respect and know that even though you tried to destroy every one of my friendships, there are six who said screw you Steven Johnson and today they are still with me picking up the pieces you chewed up and spit out and telling me that I do matter and that I am not a fool.

Bears need to stay in the forest and dwell in the world of humans no longer.

Goodbye

with the ease of a sparrow dying on a wire you said goodbye.

You broke every promise you ever made.
It was no longer a matter of the feelings being wrong, it is the anger the bitterness the tears and the horror to discover the truth.

The truth of you being a pathetic coward and liar like every other liar who has crossed my path. You gave me empty promises and lies.

Empty words to make YOU seem bigger and better, when in reality you are just a shriveled shell of a fool. Bitterness runs your pathetic existence and hatred is not even an option for me. All I feel is pity.

Pity because I allowed you into my world, I allowed you into my heart and I allowed you into my families heart. I allowed you to rip me in half and stomp me like shit on the ground and I allowed you to treat me like I was less than what I am.

Mr T once said I pity the fool. Well I was that fool.

No longer

You are gone from my life and will never get the chance to feel my ears and heart with you lies ever again.

You are a pathetic worthless piece of waste who has no reason in this world except to torture good honest people.You destroy friendships out of jealousy and had I not been smarter than you, you would have destroyed my family out of your bitterness and your jealousy.

Mark these words Steven Johnson, You are nothing more to me now than a painful memory that will make me cry for months, not out of love but out of embarrassment.A painful reminder of once again being taken advantage of by a man.

You will no longer have the right to use me You no longer have the right for my tears, my joys, my sorrow, my anything.

I write this to clear my anger cause you no longer even have that right.

The things you said and did in my darkest hour I could never do to another human being and that is what makes me better than you, because even though I loved you and would have moved the world had you asked, in the end I kept my promises my word and my hearts vow.

GOODBYE FOREVER, THE DOOR IS SHUT ON BEAR AND THE FOREST WILL RECLAIM YOUR SORRY EXISTENCE. THE IS NO ROOM IN THE REAL WORLD MY WORLD FOR TRASH LIKE YOU.

BE GONE BEAR
DARKEN MY HEART NO MORE

Creed - Overcome

Don’t cry victim to me
everything we are and used to be
is buried and gone
now it’s my turn to speak
it’s my turn to expose and release what’s been killing me.
i’ll be dammed fighting you, it's impossible, impossible!
say goodbye, with no sympathy!

I’m entitled to overcome
completely stunned i'm numb (?)
knock me down throw me to the floor!
there’s no pain i can’t feel no more.
I’m entitled to overcome
overcome!

finally see what’s beneath
everything i am and hope to be
cannot be lost.
I’ll be dammed fighting you
you're impossible, impossible!
say goodbye with no sympathy!

I’m entitled to overcome
completely stunned i'm numb
knock me down throw me to the floor
there’s no pain i can’t feel no more
I’m entitled to overcome
overcome!

overcome!


You’ll never know what I was thinking before you came ‘round
take a step, take a breath, put your guard down
I cannot worry anymore of what you think of me
I may be crazy but I’m buried in your memory

I’m entitled to overcome
completely stunned i'm numb
knock me down throw me to the floor
there’s no pain i can’t feel no more
I’m entitled to overcome
overcome!


I may be crazy but I’m buried in your memory

Losing faith again

How do I go on trusting and believing when faith is waning and exposing?

Are you what you claim to be or just another wanna be.

Want to have faith dying to have trust trying to have hope, fading fast in a mist of disbelief and fear. Fear that once again I allowed someone in and they shut the door with me in the jamb.

I gave you more than you will ever know more than ever have i allowed, Not all received this act this faith this trust yet here they are where they said they always are. They stand with me and never leave, they let me be me and know i am always near, they keep me strong knowing should you return I will be a fool and run again. They never let me fall and always support me when I am down.

Did you break my faith did you betray my trust are you just another loser in the light of day or are you true to your vow?

In the fading light of hope the faith grows dim that the trust was broken.

Dusting off the fingertips

Been a while since I have been here my friend

I have been having mellow times without a lot of stress and you kind of fell to the obsolete category. Shame on me. I forget you like to get the good times along with the sadness and sorrow.

Sometimes it is important just to say "Hey I am ok." Doesn't have to be a full page spread just a simple hello and peek a boo will make special days better, and when the sadness appears for one shining moment you have a happy thought looking you in the eye and saying see it isnt all so bad.

Life is good more than it is bad and it is up to me to make the good better and the bad not so severe.

So sing a little dance shout a big laugh and make a lot of happy sounds cause for one shining moment the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow is in your lap and all is well.

Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum

What is Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum?
Agenesis of the corpus callosum (ACC) is a birth defect in which the structure that connects the two hemispheres of the brain (the corpus callosum) is partially or completely absent. ACC can occur as an isolated condition or in combination with other cerebral abnormalities, including Arnold-Chiari malformation, Dandy-Walker syndrome, Andermann syndrome, schizencephaly (clefts or deep divisions in brain tissue), and holoprosencephaly (failure of the forebrain to divide into lobes.) Girls may have a gender-specific condition called Aicardi's syndrome, which causes severe mental retardation, seizures, abnormalities in the vertebra of the spine, and lesions on the retina of the eye. ACC can also be associated with malformations in other parts of the body, such as midline facial defects. The effects of the disorder range from subtle or mild to severe, depending on associated brain abnormalities. Intelligence may be normal with mild compromise of skills requiring matching of visual patterns. But children with the most severe brain malformations may have intellectual retardation, seizures, hydrocephalus, and spasticity.

Is there any treatment?

There is no standard course of treatment for ACC. Treatment usually involves management of symptoms and seizures if they occur.


What is the prognosis?

Prognosis depends on the extent and severity of malformations. ACC does not cause death in the majority of children. Mental retardation does not worsen. Although many children with the disorder have average intelligence and lead normal lives, neuropsychological testing reveals subtle differences in higher cortical function compared to individuals of the same age and education without ACC.


What research is being done?

The NINDS conducts and supports a wide range of studies that explore the complex mechanisms of normal brain development. The knowledge gained from these fundamental studies helps researchers understand how the process can go awry and provides opportunities for more effectively treating, and perhaps even preventing, developmental brain disorders such as ACC


all information gathered from the :
Office of Communications and Public Liaison
National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke
National Institutes of Health
Bethesda, MD 20892

What are the miracles of Agenesis of the Corpus Callosum

My nine year old little boy making A-B honor roll for the entire school year at Wilbur Wright Elementary.

Sometimes doctors are not always right when they say the odds are against a child reaching a goal. Take the time to set the goals and help your child achieve them. The pride and happiness they feel is the reminder today's world needs that the little things Really do matter.....

Laura Pausini - Surrender (USA version) videoclip oficial

My friend Barb posted this on my facebook and in her wisdom she can nail my emotions when I cant









I can't pretend anymore
that I am not affected, I'm not moved
I can't lie to myself
that I'm not always thinking of You.
You made strong
to show me I'm not weak to fall in love
well I thought I'd never need
now I can't get enough
I always made it on my own
I always thougt that I would keep control
You changed everything I believed in
And now I just can't fight this feeling, baby!

I raise my hands and I surrender
'Cause Your love is too strong
and I can't go on
Without Your tender arms around me.
I raise my hands and I surrender!
I don't wanna resist
cause your touch and kiss
have shattered my defenses!
I surrender.

I have to admit that I
I never thought I'd need someone this way
'Cause You've opened my eyes so that I
I can see so much more.
I always made it on my own
I always thougt that I would keep control
You changed everything I believed in
And now I just can't fight this feeling, baby!

I raise my hands and I surrender (Oh, I surrender baby)
'Cause Your love is too strong
and I can't go on
Without Your tender arms around me.
I raise my hands and I surrender!
I don't wanna resist
'cause your touch and your kiss
have shattered my defenses!
I surrender...

I surrender to the feeling in my heart, uhuhu
I surrender to the safety of your heart
to the touch of your lips
to the taste of your kisses.

(Choir) I raise my hands and I surrender (oh, baby, baby)
'cause Your love is too strong and I can't go on
without Your tender arms around me, hey!|
(Choir) I raise my hands (oh baby) and I surrender (surrender)
'cause Your love is too strong and I can't go on (without you)
without Your tender arms around me, hey!

I raise my hands and I surrender
'Cause Your love is too strong
and I can't go on
Without Your tender arms around me.
And I surrender

(Choir) Surrender...Surrender...

I can't pretend anymore,
I can't lie to myself
that I'm not always thinking of You.

Deeper

A single rose lies on the counter, with no reason to be or place to grow it withers and fades.

A bright spot of beauty destined to be brown and ugly, wasted from its stalk by a fools dream.


How doe one fall deeper, deeper into a spiral of an uncertain future of when all is not as it should be, a pretty masquerade , a charade and pretty lies. Lies one tells to another to prevent them from being hurt and lies one tells herself to convince herself she hasnt fallen deeper.

When in reality her fantasy is no longer just that, but a destiny waiting to occur, a path that should never be taken a path not meant for her to follow but she will. She will rush headlong down a path of self destruction all in the name of one moment in time of pure unbridled need and desire, needs never met desires never known.

Deeper into the forest she plunges, like a fool on an errand. Deeper into the ocean she swims like a fish on a quest for food.

Dont go deeper for ye will surely drown, deeper is where danger lies and deeper has no meaning no hope of redemption.

Deeper into the night and deeper into the torment of ones burning soul. Answers not there,where do I go.

A night on my own

Wow Been almost two years since I had the house to myself both tvs both animals the computer the phone the chairs lol.

What ever will I do with myself?

I have this overwhelming urge to just strip naked and scream hey house I can run naked tonight.

I love my son with all my heart and I miss him desperately but momma needs a night, good friends good music good drinks almost all is complete.

I imagine long nights in the swimming pool by the fire pit or just lots of outdoor stuff and only one thing missing but that is that.

So tonight I sit here wishing on a star and wondering what if and enjoying my night alone. Have fun at the races little man momma misses you and I am going to have fun here.......

My Revelation

In every life a little rain falls. You will either get wet or be smart and have an umbrella or shelter. Without rain there is no life giving nutrients to feed the earth and the life it sustains.

Honesty like rain is a nutrient, honesty feeds the soul and heals wounds of many who have been ravaged by deceit and the fake and phony people in this world.

Falsity and deceit comes in many forms it can come in the form of a fair weather friend who asks how are you or what is wrong or can I help,and then turns around and attaches to the source of the issue like a plaque on a river of bad fish.

I would rather suffer the hurt of the original ache than the transparent falsity and lies of two face actions. Least this way when the hammer falls I have time to duck and run.

I do not believe in sugar coating, nor do I believe that friends should have to ask for respect from one who SAYS they are a friend. This is a lie and it is reprehensible in my opinion,and will no longer be tolerated at my expense.

Mary is in a mood many will say and to be truthful I am quite the opposite, for the first time in a long time I am content I am happy and I am truly one with me, no one guides my decisions and any decisions or actions made are mine and mine alone, so therefore do not blame the person you are thinking at this moment as they are innocent of all my decisions. My decisions come in the form of relief and honesty. I choose to relieve my life of fake and phoniness and shall work for peace and removal of these sort of vultures and parasites.

The revelations of one souls are seldom misleading but an act or desire to change one within themselves. To ignore your own revelation is like ignoring the need for sustenance and and the quest for happiness and fulfillment in our own existence.


Honor thy self, be true to thee, as the truth will always set you free. Fear not the doubters and naysayers for their own revelation has not occurred and when so blessed they will think back and remember that to the rest of the world we are human beings seeking knowledge, but to ourselves we are knowledge that has found its source and is learned for the ages.

Dylan

Can you believe that in a little over a month my baby will be turning 10.

The big double digit birthday where has the time gone?

we have gone from newborn to toddler to preschool to almost in the 4th grade and growing bigger and stronger everyday.


Everyday a new adventure and a new discovery a new tear and a new laugh.

What does the future hold for this miracle this little man who has so many futures to affect and change? And where does the reality of what his true goal and path intersect with the destiny and searches of others.


You will grow so much and change so much travel far and learn to give your heart in love and faith and heartbreak. I only hope is the path that you take is one less traveled than the present and a whole new adventure waits for you my son.

I love you and cant wait to see the man that you are becoming .

Fallen

A beautiful song

Bret has long been a favorite of mine and this is my all time favorite song I believe,

Smile

I sit today and smile, no rhyme no reason just a smile of pure delight and happiness.

Wow is all I can say, can not explain why, can't define the source, but can describe a utter feeling of pure unadulterated bliss.

Maybe I am getting senile, but I feel like I have started my life over with the advantage of having my little boy already and almost all the things I want. wow

Where did it come from and hope it stays around.


Too much sorrow and sadness the last few months, maybe its a new world and happiness runs wild in the streets and towns. Beware of a wild man running after you to chop off your happy face. LOL You wont catch me fool demon..

Simple things bring a smile, silly word a simple smile or the look of delight on Dylan's face over a cartoon. Heaven on a stick with no cost due.

A simple Hello

When I'm sad there you are.
When I'm happy there you are.

You light up the world by saying hello.

How can one person say so much while saying so little. Just seeing your name can bring a smile. Seeing you face brings laughter and hearing your voice makes a heart sing.

Did you ever know that you have the power to take everything bad and throw it away with a simple hello.

Did you know you have the power to break a soul in half or the power to heal worlds.

I hope that when I am needed that I can give to you what you have brought to me.

You are a rainbow of emotions and sometimes they explode all in one movement. You amaze me constantly.

The Perfect Ramble

Don't know what to say.
Don't know what to feel.

Numb makes me sad and mad pisses me off.

Silly thoughts have to share, wonder if there is anyone out there.

Are we truly alone in life, or do those voices we hear really exist.

Time to play and time to learn,time to grow and time to change. Never forgetting, yet always learning. the past is the season gone and the future is the season ahead.

Do we need things to be alive, or do we need things to have a status, a place in this world, is the more things we have the outcome of the world we want to belong in. Do we want to belong for fear of fading into a distant cloud, and does the distant memories fade forever.

Children are born, and most are cherished, loved to the end of time and hearts ache as they grow and become parents and grandparents. Some children are traded like commodities and treated like property, not loved not wanted and not nurtured to the fullest extent of there amazing potential.

As I ramble my child plays, he grows he learns he loves and he is loved, he is a dream of a life time and a desire never unending. He is the sun, the moon, the stars, the galaxy. He is the the future of things to come and through his life I learn and find an amazing creature who never asks for more than I have nor wants more than my love and it is my honor to be his momma.

Celebrate your child, they are your future.

A child is not a responsibility, a child is the gift of our creator and modeled in his own image to be the perfect thing in this world that is yours to mold love nurture teach and learn from.

So when you are a mom remember the one before you gave you the foundation it is up to you to take this perfect creature in the direction to achieve the greatest success...

True to my own self

I am declaring May 1,2010 be true to thine own self day.

I have a strange life, a mostly happy life, a wonderful child that god by his grace blessed me with the honor of being his mother. I have a husband who on most days I can tolerate and in my own way love. I have a family, that while challenging and embattled most often I will not bend over, I will stand with my family and I will be the first in line to the fool who tries to hurt them. My mom calls it pack mentality, the pack may fight amongst itself but outsiders dare not intervene,for they will be the enemy.

I have the greatest friends, Ladies god bless me with daily in one way or another, people when hurting, I can run for shelter and cry without embarrassment or fear of ridicule, yet they allow me to be stupid when I so choose.

I have my heart's desire and will not bend no matter the pain it causes me, I will not turn my back on this desire,nor will I allow anyone to hurt him. There is no denying our connection, our faith in one another,and even our stupidity when trying not to hurt the other.

Life comes and goes and seasons change, but the foundation of happiness is in everyone of us and to our own selves we must be true. Never fear tomorrow, for it is an extension of your today and the prelude to your future.

Be strong in your faith, your love, your wants, and your desires. Never fear what you don't know for it is just a new adventure waiting to teach you. Never regret the past, for it is a lesson learned.

Never turn love away in the form it comes. Love is the greatest gift of life, without love you have a shell of who you were meant to be. To thine own self love is the greatest confidence. With confidence comes growth, and with growth comes life.

Without the pain of the life lessons we can not be true to ourselves, I can no longer deny my life lessons and now must stand true to me.

I am Mary and I am human and even when weak I am the strongest creature, for I have learned many life lessons and I have grown with each one. Maybe not in the way many feel I would have gone, but in the direction my creator laid out for me many moons ago when devising his great design. I will be true to me and I will continue my life's journey .

I will not be ashamed of the past.
I will learn from the future.
I will not change me for me is the reason I am here.

I will be true to my own self.

Can you be true to you??

Life's Lessons

How do you know when you have gone as far as you can and when do you think that it is time to take the blinders off and hear the words you say and when the needs are no longer fantasy but a reality.

In ones life they are lucky to find one great love. Have one great family and one great life. How does a person come to grips with the truth that is is possible to love two people at one time and want the best from both.

Is it wrong to be committed to your family yet want the green pasture? YES
Can you control the wants and needs? YES
Should you spend the rest of your time justifying to others that you are normal and not a horrible person? NO

A friend who is a true friend will never ask more of you than you can truly be. They will grow with you hurt with you and love you regardless of your stupidity and your ability to make them feel better of themselves. They will stand by your side and shake there head but never say how stupid that you are being or tell you what you already know that the bottom is going to fall out from underneath you and you are going to be hurt. You can only learn that lesson through the experience of life.

So in living life's lessons remember that the past is the past the future is the future. Love comes and goes and sometimes comes twice at the same time. Remember to cherish the souls that through destiny are connected to your heart and treat them with love reverence and kindness because they are on your life path as a guide to help you grow and become the you that is meant to be.

Treat life as a gift not a right and treat love as what it is meant to be a gift from god that is to teach you tolerance forgiveness pride jealousy and all the good and bad associated with it. The love and lives that share your life lesson are the future of you and not the past. It is a designed to be and so shall it be.

In my life destiny I am blessed to be touched by many such friends, and through the pain of the past few months I am learning that while they don't always agree with my life, they love me and they will be there the day the bottom falls out,as I will be for them. There spirit and their hearts guide me through life's torments and at the end of the lesson they are standing on the other side with hands extended and words to calm and offer up hope.

Another year

Another year
Another birthday

Today is my 46th birthday, 46 man that seems impossible. Where did the time and years go I look back and see my past and my mistakes. i look at now and see my life and loves and i look ahead and see a distant horizon waiting to be filled. Filled with many years of love laughter and tears.

I remember as a child birthdays meant a trip out of town to the Ponderosa for dinner, raised by a single mom taking care of eight kids this was a big production for her and I remember on one of those trips after the blizzard of 78 getting so sick we were at the emergency room the rest of the night with food poisoning.

My first birthday as a mother was spent at the Sirloin Stockade surrounded by people I didnt like in my life but not even seeing them as the greatest joy was in my arms stealing mashy taters and mac and cheese lol he was 7 mos old at the time.

Today has been spent with Jeff and Dylan by my side with a special dinner and a cake baked with eager little hands and a dad worrying that he will poison it a hes never made a cake before. I am sure it will be the best cake ever made.

I woke this morning to typing, Jeff had figured out turning on the computer finding the browser and finding and accessing his facebook account which i usually pull up for him where he left me a birthday wish, made me tear up at how hard he worked for that one .. All day was spent receiving birthday greetings from complete strangers who I have never met. People who took the time to say Happy birthday.

I dont know what the birthdays of tomorrow will bring but as long as Jeff and Dylan are by my side they will be the best birthdays that will ever be.

Year 45 has been a hard year for Jeff and I but a prayer to god and a wish of peace and the acts of love bring hope that year 46 has begun with peace love and joy and hopefully last all the year round.

Jeff I love you and I will love you til death us do part.Thank you for making my birthday one of the best i have ever had.

Normal

Aww the feeling of normalcy has returned. How can one person being offline for so long cause so much discord in a normal day.

Sanity loses all reason when the normal everyday act of being there is taken for granted and disappears. The loss of the normalcy leads to boring days and endless bouts of is she back yet.

Thank god she is back as her presence is missed not just by me but by all who know her,even though she considers herself normal and slightly insane her impact on all us not just in the sense she is one of few who can keep Mary grounded, but in the sense that we all are invested in her as she is in us.

Welcome back to the world of make believe and where strangers become friends and friends become sisters.

Welcome back to normalcy..

Little things

Little things are little things, they dont amount to much in a pile of leaves or in the scheme of life,but when you stop and count your blessings at the end of the day it is the little things that bring you the biggest tally.

The little things you take for granted like friendship and the love of a child or even the help of someone else, will surprise you with consistency of the tally, Always present and always adding up in the little things pile.


The little things are always present and are always just thought of as always there, but the little things need to be counted also as they are the purpose of life and the purpose of a happy existence.

Thank you to my little things, as without them the big things would matter more.

The little things really do matter the most

Broken trust.

Broken trust, once again.

Once again I believed a man, I believe someone who was supposed to care about me and wanted me to trust them.

I gave my faith against the advice of others and in the end have ended up not trusting two people who actually have never lied to me. I have pushed away my friends who love me who guide me and who treat me as I treat them for a lie.

Where in the handbook of life does it say that one person deserves to have their trust and faith destroyed every single time she gives it.

The world is full of liars and when you cant trust you can not see the ones who are actually wanting to be in your life because of all the lies caused by one.

I think in giving my trust i gave my heart i give my friendship and I give more than was deserved and while not asking for anything in return expectations of truth and honesty are assumed to be given.

But we all know the magic of the word assume- it makes an ASS out of U and ME.

So once again here I am having to rebuild my heart my faith in people and I can only hope that the ones who I pushed away because they worried I would end up like this will forgive me and realize that this is another chapter in the story of Mary.

I have come to the realization I will not trust again. I will harden my heart to any pretty words and all pretty lies and when the next time trust comes knocking at my heart I will tell it to go to hell.

This wont be the last time I will feel this way as I am a sucker and believe everything everyone tells me. Some day I hope to get the world that is my heart uninvolved in the world of fake friends and fake men and the liars that hurt me.

And to the two I pushed away all I can say is that I hope they understand this is Mary being stupid again and realize that the desperation of having to have someone to believe in causes actions not normal.

Once trust has been destroyed by the one person who said they loved you more than anything, it is the hardest thing in the world to relearn and in relearning it with another liar and trust breaker it causes damage not easily recovered from

Some times I regret ever coming onto the internet because since that day I have found good people and bad people but always seem to attract myself to the liars and push the true at heart away.

To the ones who do read this and wonder when is she ever going to learn I can only say that today is a good day to try but wont be accomplished in one minute one hour one day...

My Bear

My dear friend,

An open letter to say this right.

You came into my life at a time when all was not bad, over the course of the years we have changed so much and grown together so much.

We both can trust and rely on the other and know that the other is always there and that even in anger at one another we turn to each other for comfort.

We became closer after a traumatic time in your life when you needed a friend to vent to who did not judge you who wanted nothing in return but the friends she had somewhere in that time we grew to rely on each other and feelings grew, not bad a natural course of events for two people hurting and needing a friend who understood.

When I said that you almost know me better than my best friend this is still true, you by being you have the power to say look you are hurting yourself by doing this or being silly about that and in the end even though it angers me at times I know it is right because I do have the power to control me and my life.

My friends have never seen me break the rules I set for myself and even though angry they have never seen the side of me that I keep hidden for reasons that need to be hidden. You are the only one who faced that side down and told me to get my head out of my ass.

I do not regret knowing you cherishing you as a friend nor the feelings that grew from that. I have no regrets for the friendship that we have grown out of this with.

You are now and will always be an important part of my life, just by being you.

I don't know what the future holds in my life as does anyone but I know that when tomorrow comes my dearest friends will be by my side supporting me holding me up and making me open my eyes and take the blinders off.

I love ya my friend

And while this is mainly directed to Bear the ones who know me best need to hear that I love them and cherish them dearly also.


"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

A day without you guys is like a day with no end.

Valentines Day

Spent my day with my guys.

A day of laughing shopping and eating lol

Jeff took us to our favorite steak house, been a while since the family has been there, but the memories of the first time we took Dylan when he was 8 weeks old to our Tuesday nights out to get him to see the clowns even though Mom never enjoyed that part.

We can still name the first waitress who sat at the table when Dylan was 8 weeks old to make our plates as we watched her to make sure our miracle was safe Her name was Ashton and she was a gem.

To Dylan's 'first' girlfriend lol Julie to mommy's favorite Link a single dad working full time raising two little beauties. to Daddy's favorite desert the hot rolls with butter a rare treat for him

The drama of the last few months didn't dampen the fun and enjoyment only brought more laughter and new memories. The one place where Dylan will chow down with abandon and truly try and enjoy weird combination's with a promise of chocolate and vanilla ice cream as a treat at the end. Only new this time big enough boy to pick his own treasures lol

No arguing no bickering and lots of love to be shared, I guess there is life in this old marriage after all.

I cant say we are 100% but the inroads are small and noticeable.......

It's not time yet God

It's not time yet to take her. She isn't done with her work here on earth.

She has a little girl who still needs her nurturing and guidance and a husband and an other daughter who aren't ready to take her place.

Please take a minute before you make any decision and consider the good she puts in this world, her pure spirit her pure heart that has never hurt another soul. I know heaven would be better with her but earth without her would be unbearable.

I pray to you for mercy for my sister my friend my partner in all things juvenile my Rita. Grant her mercy and give her an easy path through the surgery and guide her through the pain that is to come and follow.

I cant promise to stay strong and will probably beg many more times god but I am not ready to say take her I am not ready to release my love for her yet.


I will stand strong and put on a brave front for her but you will know my heart is breaking in fear.


Hear my prayer
God have mercy
this is my plea

Good Days

Good days are still out there,I found one, wasn't a chance of blinking and missing it it has been an all day event and a much needed boost.

Started the morning with Dylan getting up before me and watching cartoons with daddy as usual but when I got up they were both happy to see me for a change not just bub.

Maybe the snow cleared out the fog and the anger but Jeff is not screaming and cussing at me and things are calm. We did our weekend housework. Rearranged kitchen cabinets and did it without a fight.

Talked like adults for a change instead of two idiots who couldn't stand each other. after lunch decided I would take a nap and bub wanted to play on the computer so Jeff took the phone so no one could wake me up and after some much needed sleep we had dinner together and laughed while making it together.

Maybe the distance is doing me more good than I thought and maybe there is a method to the great design of life.

But today I have been at peace and have had my friends and my family and for once no desperate need for something missing. Happy as who I am not who I need to be.

Kelly says I have had to many bad days and she is right a good day is needed once in a while and makes a world of difference

Isn't amazing what a little snow can do lol

Where am I

At a stage , cant find the door to let me out, can feel the chains keeping me in.

Do I stay? Do I go?

I feel a fool now so healing has begun, trust not broken yet not delivered as promised. Guilty of trusty yet being betrayed. I am angry I am hurt I am MAD.

I am Mad at me for letting you turn me, turn me into the one thing I never was a fool,I cant hurt you by saying goodbye so i get hurt by letting you stay. A fool who gave you the one thing she never should have. A fool for believing pretty words and though never wanted anything more than my friend, gained more than I knew I needed.

I gained the knowledge that I am weak I am human and I am a fool.

I gave you trust and I lost you by believing you.

I sit and wonder why is Mary like this now. How can one thing one person effect me so? the answer I don't have.

I know you love me I know you care and I know you aren't going anywhere I just don't know how to make you see that all I need is the you you were. I don't need 24 hours a day, I don't need alot all I ask is the you be who you were.

I don't express my pain anymore. I cant bear the hollow sound it makes on empty ears.

So i sit and wonder where I am and who I have become.

The thing I need to say is goodbye, but it won't happen, I know the real you and I know you are there, I just don't know where I am.

I feel the need

Just feel the need to sit and type, nothing important to say, just an urge to share nothing to share just an urge to make noise,


I feel the need to express my displeasure or pleasure somewhere, no one to blame, no harm no foul just feel the need to share


Silly moments they come and go silly moments to sit and share, nothing to say nothing to do just sit and type.

No good or bad mood no offense been done no offense to be done, just feel the need to share.

Silly some might say but sometime just sit and share, clear the air and let your hair down. Let your brain run free without constraint feel the need to let it all out there.

Do you feel the need to share?

Blank

empty


void

hollow

Say nothing at all

Mom always says if you cant say nothing nice don't say anything at all.

Its so easy now days to offer plastic apologies and plastic sympathy. What happened to the day when an I'm sorry truly meant something. Now days I'm sorry is getting as empty as a dogs bowl after he he gorged himself.

You get the same result one way or another a mess to clean up.

I try to live by the golden rule do unto others as ye would have them do unto you,but man some days i want to sock them in the damn eye. Quit being so gracious doing unto me and help someone else for a change.

Bit cynical you say probably true but you know sometimes the lemons used to make lemonade are rotten to begin with and its best to drink the Kool-aid least there you are almost always guaranteed a sugar rush.

Mary's moody, you say , yeah I probably am and hell I may even be a bit hateful, but the fact is I am me you knew what you what you were getting when you crossed that threshold, I am not going to sugar coat it and I am not going to hold your hand and give you fake platitudes.

So if you feel the need to not have something nice to say, please don't be encouraged to come sit by me.

Dreams

It is often said that dreams are desires waiting to be acted upon.

Does a dream foretell the future, does it change the past, can it alter the current?

Dreams are the simply the minds way of clearing out unconscious thoughts, needs and yearnings.

I am a sleep dreamer, I can usually remember my dreams as they are more than likely the event I wanted to occur, a fantasy I wanted to act upon and need to be wild free and spontaneous.

Occasionally old demons return and invade the perfection of what is wanted to remind me that the past is always a part of my future and the future depends on my past. I cant change alter or deviate from the course and must play the dream out or peace is not forth coming.

I am also a person who hears with her heart when dreaming and have on several occasions heard the past needing to talk to the future, whether to pass on a greeting or remembrance or a warning or just a moment of extreme pride.

Dreams can not hurt you, they are not meant to hurt you, they are meant to teach you, to give you clearance and to give even hope.

Do we shut out our dreams because we are afraid to face our truths and in fact yes we do, I know I have physically altered my sleep pattern to avoid confrontation that was there waiting for me, did I escape the inevitable? NO

The truth is we are meant to face our realities, whether in physical form or in fantasy realm, but like fate and Karma what is meant to be will be.

God does not give us more than we can bear and in that we must remember to dream away the past embrace the now and anticipate the future.

Do not fear the dream, embrace it learn from and realize that in the end you do wake up and in the waking you will have a greater understanding of you.

Trust

Trust is an amazing thing, it is the one constant in any relationship. Without trust in your life what is really there.

I have learned trust is an enemy and it is a friend, it can break your heart and it can make your heart sing, it can take you to new heights and it can destroy the very foundation of your world.

Today talking to Bear he reminded me that although I have been betrayed by trust in the past he was not going anywhere. In my state of not trusting I was developing panic attacks over my friends not being online when I got on and although in my mind I knew they are near by my heart was feeling lost and abandoned. And although an irrational fear a fear just the same.

Trust is hard for me and an issue I struggle with daily. A lot of times I have to be told to get my head out of my ass and stop thinking everyone is going to hurt me.

I work daily to improve this issue and the thought of believing and truly turning my faith over to another human being is so monumental to me it takes my breath away. Each day with the love I have been given and the love shown to me daily, I am growing and learning that not everyone is the same and that when promised to always be there they truly are.

Grow strong with me as the best is yet to be.

Sacrifice

Sacrifice the definition of sacrifice is "is commonly known as the practice of offering food, objects (typically valuables), or the lives of animals or people to the gods as an act of propitiation or worship. The term is also used metaphorically to describe selfless good deeds for others or a short term loss in return for a greater gain, such as in a game of chess. Recently it has also come into use as meaning doing without something or giving something up"

The need for sacrifice is many times seen as an act of chivalry, when in fact sacrifice is the greatest gift of love. To sacrifice your own needs and wants for someone you love is the kindest and most loving thing you can do.

To be so aware of anothers needs you can lay aside your own wants is the greatest gift

I hate Tuesdays

Tuesday is the worst day of the week.

I hate going to work and missing everyone I love to spend time with
I hate coming home to a dark house cause someone is rude

I hate listening to people whine so here I am whining lol

I have a headache and I want to cry

I want a hug

Can you look me in the eye?

Can you tell me why you hurt me?

How was I to blame for you being weak?

How was it my fault you took a cowards route and broke the vows we made together?

How am I any less the person I was when you married me,now because you cheated?


I must have been the worthless one for you to leave me that way, to tell me that it is my fault you were less than a man. You took all my faith all my trust and you shattered it on a rock like I was a piece of used up garbage and not a living creature, you destroyed in one act what had taken me years to rebuild.

You had it so bad being loved and adored and treated like the most important person in my world even to the extent of sacrificing to you the one person who you know meant almost as much to me as you.

You say you love me and I know you believe that but I dont believe you and never will again.

How could you build me up and love me enough to help me through one of the most terrifying ordeals of my life to do in my eyes almost the same thing. You didnt rape me physically, but emotionally you broke my spirit, you destroyed my faith, and you raped me of my trust.

Some days I hate you. I think the love for you died all those years ago.

Can you look me in the eye?

Can you face the woman I am now?

Can you stand it because I am building my esteem back?

Can you face it that I am a good caring loving person?

Can you face it that I am not a nobody I am a survivor?

Can you stand the fact that you were wrong when you said no one would ever care or love me?

I am Mary and I am the woman God wanted me to be and I will never be the above woman again.

God blessed me with a beautiful little boy and I will teach him to treasure and honor and never destroy a woman the way you have. He will learn by my example not by yours.

The day you dread the most

"What does adopted mean?'

Today Dylan and I were a the store and he is kind clingy, so I ask him if he is ok,we pay for our stuff and go outside, and he says "Mommy do you remember the day I was born?"

I said yes I do it was the greatest day of Mommy's life bubby, why?
"He says was I smiling when I was born?" I said no bubby you were quiet mad and not happy to be bothered when you were born. "Well was kinds of toys did I have then?"
I said bubby you had rattles and baby Mickey stuff but you didnt play with them alot

"Mom how come some kids have more than one mommy?" Well I said, some kids have two mommies because families break up and daddies marry another mommy and some kids have two mommies because they are adopted and some kids have two mommies because two mommies love each other like mommies and daddies do.


Mommy am I adopted?

I said What do you think Dylan, and he says "I remember the day I came out of you,"I said wow you can remember that far back? wow that is a good memory. I asked him would it upset you if you were adopted? "No because I have you for my mommy and I like that. "

"He then asks me, what does adopted mean anyway mommy?"
Well adopted means that little boys and girls are born to one woman who for some reason or another cant or wont take care of there babies and they give them to mommies that cant have babies. "Oh"

I said Dylan kids that are adopted are extra special kids because they are chosen kids. God chose those kids to make mommies out of women who can't have babies of their own

He looks at me all serious and says "I am a special kid, I have a mommy who loves me very much and my aunt Dona loves me very much, so that makes me extra special, right" and I said Dylan you are super special buddy.

"How does a kid become adopted Mommy?"

Well when a mommy decides she cant take care of her baby for some reason, she gives that baby to mommies who can, I said Dylan would it make you mad or bother you if you were adopted? "It wont make me mad cause i have you mommy,but it would make me mad to know I was given away."

I said do you want to know anything else and he look sat me and says" no Mommy but I sure am glad I am special"

Lets See

Until recently I was a reasonably normal person unhappy with life
unhappy with dreams unhappy with the very thought of getting up in the mornings.

The biggest joy of my life up to this point is my son Dylan Charles
he is now and always will be my main life priority the joy of being
his mother far out weighs any pain and misery I may ever have to
endure.

Writing this down is harder than I ever thought it would be,
as I still have the fear of being a fool. "Look at that idiot, she
doesn't even have a clue how stupid she looks" kinda of thing.

My life is made up of balances and extremes, balances of friends,family work so forth, extremes to the point of giving to much to to many people and having it slapped in my face so many times.

I have the pleasure of having some very dear friends I have never met but talk to daily,they have become my sisters my friends, my confidants.

A day without them would be like a day without a hug in my eyes.

But there is one special friend who fell outside that mode,and
he knows me so well,almost better than my best friend. He is so unique in the sense without me saying a word he can tell if I am mad,sad,happy or hurt.He knows my heart he knows my soul and he knows my pain.

December was a hard month for my dear friend and my heart
still aches for all the pain he has been through and goes through daily. I dont know if I will ever let him see this and I know one who will say dummy he will like seeing how dear and special he is,but will keep her thoughts to herself, lol


My sweetest friend I treasure you daily, my heart holds so much emotion where you are concerned that sometimes I have to write things down to get the feeling released just to breath.

So don't think me a fool be gentle as you who know me know that i break easily. Know that I cherish my friends almost as much as I do my son and that without you all I would not be who I am now.

Love you guys

A fantasy has begun

Seems fitting somehow to have a fairy tale background to fit the
fairy tail I have fallen into.

How fitting to begin this adventure with Edward and Bella.