My Bear

My dear friend,

An open letter to say this right.

You came into my life at a time when all was not bad, over the course of the years we have changed so much and grown together so much.

We both can trust and rely on the other and know that the other is always there and that even in anger at one another we turn to each other for comfort.

We became closer after a traumatic time in your life when you needed a friend to vent to who did not judge you who wanted nothing in return but the friends she had somewhere in that time we grew to rely on each other and feelings grew, not bad a natural course of events for two people hurting and needing a friend who understood.

When I said that you almost know me better than my best friend this is still true, you by being you have the power to say look you are hurting yourself by doing this or being silly about that and in the end even though it angers me at times I know it is right because I do have the power to control me and my life.

My friends have never seen me break the rules I set for myself and even though angry they have never seen the side of me that I keep hidden for reasons that need to be hidden. You are the only one who faced that side down and told me to get my head out of my ass.

I do not regret knowing you cherishing you as a friend nor the feelings that grew from that. I have no regrets for the friendship that we have grown out of this with.

You are now and will always be an important part of my life, just by being you.

I don't know what the future holds in my life as does anyone but I know that when tomorrow comes my dearest friends will be by my side supporting me holding me up and making me open my eyes and take the blinders off.

I love ya my friend

And while this is mainly directed to Bear the ones who know me best need to hear that I love them and cherish them dearly also.


"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born."
- Anais Nin

A day without you guys is like a day with no end.

Valentines Day

Spent my day with my guys.

A day of laughing shopping and eating lol

Jeff took us to our favorite steak house, been a while since the family has been there, but the memories of the first time we took Dylan when he was 8 weeks old to our Tuesday nights out to get him to see the clowns even though Mom never enjoyed that part.

We can still name the first waitress who sat at the table when Dylan was 8 weeks old to make our plates as we watched her to make sure our miracle was safe Her name was Ashton and she was a gem.

To Dylan's 'first' girlfriend lol Julie to mommy's favorite Link a single dad working full time raising two little beauties. to Daddy's favorite desert the hot rolls with butter a rare treat for him

The drama of the last few months didn't dampen the fun and enjoyment only brought more laughter and new memories. The one place where Dylan will chow down with abandon and truly try and enjoy weird combination's with a promise of chocolate and vanilla ice cream as a treat at the end. Only new this time big enough boy to pick his own treasures lol

No arguing no bickering and lots of love to be shared, I guess there is life in this old marriage after all.

I cant say we are 100% but the inroads are small and noticeable.......

It's not time yet God

It's not time yet to take her. She isn't done with her work here on earth.

She has a little girl who still needs her nurturing and guidance and a husband and an other daughter who aren't ready to take her place.

Please take a minute before you make any decision and consider the good she puts in this world, her pure spirit her pure heart that has never hurt another soul. I know heaven would be better with her but earth without her would be unbearable.

I pray to you for mercy for my sister my friend my partner in all things juvenile my Rita. Grant her mercy and give her an easy path through the surgery and guide her through the pain that is to come and follow.

I cant promise to stay strong and will probably beg many more times god but I am not ready to say take her I am not ready to release my love for her yet.


I will stand strong and put on a brave front for her but you will know my heart is breaking in fear.


Hear my prayer
God have mercy
this is my plea

Good Days

Good days are still out there,I found one, wasn't a chance of blinking and missing it it has been an all day event and a much needed boost.

Started the morning with Dylan getting up before me and watching cartoons with daddy as usual but when I got up they were both happy to see me for a change not just bub.

Maybe the snow cleared out the fog and the anger but Jeff is not screaming and cussing at me and things are calm. We did our weekend housework. Rearranged kitchen cabinets and did it without a fight.

Talked like adults for a change instead of two idiots who couldn't stand each other. after lunch decided I would take a nap and bub wanted to play on the computer so Jeff took the phone so no one could wake me up and after some much needed sleep we had dinner together and laughed while making it together.

Maybe the distance is doing me more good than I thought and maybe there is a method to the great design of life.

But today I have been at peace and have had my friends and my family and for once no desperate need for something missing. Happy as who I am not who I need to be.

Kelly says I have had to many bad days and she is right a good day is needed once in a while and makes a world of difference

Isn't amazing what a little snow can do lol

Where am I

At a stage , cant find the door to let me out, can feel the chains keeping me in.

Do I stay? Do I go?

I feel a fool now so healing has begun, trust not broken yet not delivered as promised. Guilty of trusty yet being betrayed. I am angry I am hurt I am MAD.

I am Mad at me for letting you turn me, turn me into the one thing I never was a fool,I cant hurt you by saying goodbye so i get hurt by letting you stay. A fool who gave you the one thing she never should have. A fool for believing pretty words and though never wanted anything more than my friend, gained more than I knew I needed.

I gained the knowledge that I am weak I am human and I am a fool.

I gave you trust and I lost you by believing you.

I sit and wonder why is Mary like this now. How can one thing one person effect me so? the answer I don't have.

I know you love me I know you care and I know you aren't going anywhere I just don't know how to make you see that all I need is the you you were. I don't need 24 hours a day, I don't need alot all I ask is the you be who you were.

I don't express my pain anymore. I cant bear the hollow sound it makes on empty ears.

So i sit and wonder where I am and who I have become.

The thing I need to say is goodbye, but it won't happen, I know the real you and I know you are there, I just don't know where I am.

I feel the need

Just feel the need to sit and type, nothing important to say, just an urge to share nothing to share just an urge to make noise,


I feel the need to express my displeasure or pleasure somewhere, no one to blame, no harm no foul just feel the need to share


Silly moments they come and go silly moments to sit and share, nothing to say nothing to do just sit and type.

No good or bad mood no offense been done no offense to be done, just feel the need to share.

Silly some might say but sometime just sit and share, clear the air and let your hair down. Let your brain run free without constraint feel the need to let it all out there.

Do you feel the need to share?