Another year

Another year
Another birthday

Today is my 46th birthday, 46 man that seems impossible. Where did the time and years go I look back and see my past and my mistakes. i look at now and see my life and loves and i look ahead and see a distant horizon waiting to be filled. Filled with many years of love laughter and tears.

I remember as a child birthdays meant a trip out of town to the Ponderosa for dinner, raised by a single mom taking care of eight kids this was a big production for her and I remember on one of those trips after the blizzard of 78 getting so sick we were at the emergency room the rest of the night with food poisoning.

My first birthday as a mother was spent at the Sirloin Stockade surrounded by people I didnt like in my life but not even seeing them as the greatest joy was in my arms stealing mashy taters and mac and cheese lol he was 7 mos old at the time.

Today has been spent with Jeff and Dylan by my side with a special dinner and a cake baked with eager little hands and a dad worrying that he will poison it a hes never made a cake before. I am sure it will be the best cake ever made.

I woke this morning to typing, Jeff had figured out turning on the computer finding the browser and finding and accessing his facebook account which i usually pull up for him where he left me a birthday wish, made me tear up at how hard he worked for that one .. All day was spent receiving birthday greetings from complete strangers who I have never met. People who took the time to say Happy birthday.

I dont know what the birthdays of tomorrow will bring but as long as Jeff and Dylan are by my side they will be the best birthdays that will ever be.

Year 45 has been a hard year for Jeff and I but a prayer to god and a wish of peace and the acts of love bring hope that year 46 has begun with peace love and joy and hopefully last all the year round.

Jeff I love you and I will love you til death us do part.Thank you for making my birthday one of the best i have ever had.

Normal

Aww the feeling of normalcy has returned. How can one person being offline for so long cause so much discord in a normal day.

Sanity loses all reason when the normal everyday act of being there is taken for granted and disappears. The loss of the normalcy leads to boring days and endless bouts of is she back yet.

Thank god she is back as her presence is missed not just by me but by all who know her,even though she considers herself normal and slightly insane her impact on all us not just in the sense she is one of few who can keep Mary grounded, but in the sense that we all are invested in her as she is in us.

Welcome back to the world of make believe and where strangers become friends and friends become sisters.

Welcome back to normalcy..

Little things

Little things are little things, they dont amount to much in a pile of leaves or in the scheme of life,but when you stop and count your blessings at the end of the day it is the little things that bring you the biggest tally.

The little things you take for granted like friendship and the love of a child or even the help of someone else, will surprise you with consistency of the tally, Always present and always adding up in the little things pile.


The little things are always present and are always just thought of as always there, but the little things need to be counted also as they are the purpose of life and the purpose of a happy existence.

Thank you to my little things, as without them the big things would matter more.

The little things really do matter the most

Broken trust.

Broken trust, once again.

Once again I believed a man, I believe someone who was supposed to care about me and wanted me to trust them.

I gave my faith against the advice of others and in the end have ended up not trusting two people who actually have never lied to me. I have pushed away my friends who love me who guide me and who treat me as I treat them for a lie.

Where in the handbook of life does it say that one person deserves to have their trust and faith destroyed every single time she gives it.

The world is full of liars and when you cant trust you can not see the ones who are actually wanting to be in your life because of all the lies caused by one.

I think in giving my trust i gave my heart i give my friendship and I give more than was deserved and while not asking for anything in return expectations of truth and honesty are assumed to be given.

But we all know the magic of the word assume- it makes an ASS out of U and ME.

So once again here I am having to rebuild my heart my faith in people and I can only hope that the ones who I pushed away because they worried I would end up like this will forgive me and realize that this is another chapter in the story of Mary.

I have come to the realization I will not trust again. I will harden my heart to any pretty words and all pretty lies and when the next time trust comes knocking at my heart I will tell it to go to hell.

This wont be the last time I will feel this way as I am a sucker and believe everything everyone tells me. Some day I hope to get the world that is my heart uninvolved in the world of fake friends and fake men and the liars that hurt me.

And to the two I pushed away all I can say is that I hope they understand this is Mary being stupid again and realize that the desperation of having to have someone to believe in causes actions not normal.

Once trust has been destroyed by the one person who said they loved you more than anything, it is the hardest thing in the world to relearn and in relearning it with another liar and trust breaker it causes damage not easily recovered from

Some times I regret ever coming onto the internet because since that day I have found good people and bad people but always seem to attract myself to the liars and push the true at heart away.

To the ones who do read this and wonder when is she ever going to learn I can only say that today is a good day to try but wont be accomplished in one minute one hour one day...